Pirates of the Caribbean: Author's Cut
by Mecha Scorpion
Summary: In my endless search for more parodies, I've decided to retell Pirates of the Caribbean. A constantly fainting Murtogg, a ghetto Will, a pimpin' Bootstrap Bill, a Star Wars-quoting midget and much more ensue. Please review!


Pirates of the Caribbean: Author's Cut 

Here's my parody of the movie Pirates of the Caribbean! Please review!

Fog swirled in the air as a large ship cruised through the waters. As it moved closer, a little girl could be seen singing on the ship. Her delicate voice was like the first song of a robin in the spring…

"She's a maniac, maniac on the floor! And she's dancing like she never danced before!" Young Elizabeth began an attempt to spin on her head, but her braids got caught in the floor of the deck and she began to cry.

"Stop that infernal singing!" hissed Gibbs, web-swinging onto the scene and clamping a hand to the girl's mouth. "Michael Jackson sails these waters! You don't want that pedophile to come down on us, now do you?"

"Mr. Gibbs, that will do," said Norrington. "She doesn't need exposure to pedophiles!"

"Said Lieutenant Norrington, who is thirty years older than her and falls in love with her six years from now," muttered Gibbs as he stalked away.

"I think it'd be rather exciting to meet a pedophile," said Elizabeth excitedly.

"Think again, Miss Swann," said Norrington. "Pedophiles are disgusting, vile, dissolute sexual predators. They abduct little boys and girls and they… er… mistreat them." Gibbs began humping the deck behind Norrington's back. Elizabeth coughed delicately.

"That shall be enough," bellowed Governor Swann, stomping onto the deck. "I am an overprotective parent and my little girl doesn't need that kind of exposure! And stop that disgusting behavior!" he roared at Gibbs, who stopped his deck-humping and ran away.

Elizabeth, disgusted by the behavior of Gibbs, her father, and Norrington, decided to look over the side of the ship.

"Oh my god!" she squealed. "Daddy, there's a boy in the water!"

"No dating until you're sixteen, you little brat!" roared her father. "I'll have none of this romance stuff at this age!"

"Boy overboard!" shouted Norrington, seeing a golden opportunity with not one but two underage children on board. "Haul him up!"

"He is still breathing!" shouted a sailor.

"Fortunately…" grinned Norrington.

Suddenly, a burning ship dropped out of the sky and landed in the water. Of course, no one saw it, as they had all looked down at the deck at the exact same moment.

"Pirates!" screamed Gibbs. "Those dirty pirates! Man the lifeboats! Rouse the captain! I'll get those bandits if it's the last thing I do!"

Elizabeth was left with nothing to do, so she watched the boy. She examined a dollar sign hanging around his neck.

"You're a homie!" she exclaimed. Then she found a pirate medallion. "And a pirate!"

"Yo," said the boy weakly. "My name be… Will Turner… fo shizzle." He fainted.

Elizabeth took the pirate medallion off and examined it. As she looked up, she saw that the last can of Diet Mountain Dew was missing.

"Pirates!" roared Gibbs, shaking his fist to the skies.

Elizabeth, now six years older, woke up from her dream. She opened her dresser and dug through the massive piles of Playgirl magazines to find her medallion, which she put on.

"I have a dress for you!" screamed her father, kicking down the door and gazing fiercely around the room. Although the man was still overprotective, he had relaxed a bit about boyfriends and such.

"A dress? Let me see! Let me see! Let me see!" said Elizabeth, yapping like a small dog.

Her father pulled out a dress made of black leather and metal chains. "It's called a corset," he said, fidgeting nervously for some reason. "Go on, put it on."

Elizabeth retreated behind a screen to change. Her father could be heard cursing viciously.

"You know, Lizzie, Norrington fancies you, you know," he said, using her least favorite nickname.

"He's being promoted today, isn't he?"

"Yes. Now he is Petty Minor Under-Assistant Secondary Commodore, Ninth Class. I must say, it's a rather important position." A knock came from the door.

"Come in!" said the governor brightly.

"_Dad!_" hissed Elizabeth. "I'm barely dressed!"

Will Turner jumped into the room, flailing his hands in a thoroughly ridiculous manner. He began to perform some manner of breakdance, but only succeeded in concussing one of Elizabeth's maids.

"Yo, homie governor, I got your sword," said Will, glaring ferociously over mirrored sunglasses.

"Gosh, Willie, how splendid," said the governor, fidgeting nervously at the prospect of a situation that involved being "cool."

"The blade is folded steel, brother. That's gold filigree, and the tang is the width of the blade! Don't cut yourself on the blade, my man, or it'll cut you!" The Governor dismissed words like "filigree," "tang," "blade" and "cut" as urban ghetto-speak and promptly cut off his own ear. Elizabeth smiled affectionately and then turned to Will.

"Miss Swann, pleased to meet you," he said, wringing blood out of his sleeve as the Governor ran around screaming.

"Call me sex toy, Will," she said, lying on the floor in her new "corset."

"Of course, Miss Swann," said Will, trying to ignore her. Before he could rethink this, Elizabeth jumped out the window and into a carriage, on her way to the ceremony. Will sighed and began rapping for no particular reason about how life was so hard for him.

The camera crew, becoming bored with this, decided to switch to a scene of the other hero of our tale- Captain Jack Sparrow. His braided beard flailing dangerously and his dreadlocks whacking himself in the nose, he stepped off of his sinking ship and onto the dock. He immediately delivered a slap to a small infant, sending the child flying into the water.

"Wait a minute!" A man moonwalked up to Jack. "I need you to pay me a shilling to tell me your name!"

"But I don't want to tell you my name," said Jack petulantly. "So why do you have to take a shilling from me?"

"Because you told me your name!" objected the man.

"I did not!" said Jack. "And I have no reason to give you a shilling, or my name isn't Jack Sparrow!"

There was a long silence.

"See, you just told me your name!"

"But I didn't before, when you said I told you!" whined Jack, casually robbing the man.

"Well, I'm psychic," sneered the man. Jack had just about had enough of this, so he paid the man with a packet of peanuts. "And my name is Smith… Will Smith."

"But you said your name was Jack Sparrow!" said the man fiercely.

"I changed my mind," muttered Jack, his eyes darting around suspiciously.

"Well, fine," sulked the man, stomping away. Jack strutted down the dock toward the Interceptor and was stopped by two guards.

"This dock is off limits to civilians," said Murtogg as eight townsfolk began a conga line on the dock behind him.

"Then what about all those civilians behind you?" asked Jack as a civilian snuck up behind Murtogg.

"That's the oldest trick in the book," said Murtogg as a civilian clubbed him over the head with a club.

"My thanks," said Jack, doing that weird praying-thing he does with his hands. Unfortunately, just as he boarded the ship, Mulroy and Murtogg (who had woken up so quickly that it was rather suspicious) marched up behind him.

"Get off the ship, wanker!" bellowed Murtogg, nursing the bump on his head.

"I couldn't resist," said Jack as a civilian knocked Murtogg out again.

"Why are you here?" asked Mulroy suspiciously.

"I confess," said Jack dramatically as Murtogg woke up again. "It is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage- WATCH OUT MURTOGG!"

"You can't fool me!" said Murtogg as a civilian knocked him out.

"Well, we can't let you on this extremely fast ship that we shouldn't be telling you about," said Mulroy pompously as Murtogg woke up.

"This isn't the fastest ship!" said Jack, knocking Murtogg out by throwing a lump of wet mud at him. "The Black Pearl is!"

"The Black Pearl isn't a real ship!" said Murtogg, waking up again.

"Yes it is!" insisted Jack.

"No it isn't!" protested Murtogg.

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is-" Murtogg was knocked out again.

Back at the fort, Norrington was trying to make a move on Elizabeth.

"And then the baker said, 'My hat's missing!'" Norrington began to crack up, slapping his knee in hilarity. Elizabeth just looked confused in her SM outfit. Norrington suddenly looked grim. He took off his red outfit, revealing a black karate robe. Elizabeth assumed a kung fu stance.

"Just bring it!" she hissed.

Norrington shot about eight bullets at her. Elizabeth, in some ridiculous bodily contortion, dodged them all while revealing a bunch of skin for the fanboys. Norrington threw his gun at her, which knocked her off the edge of the cliff and into the water.

"What's going on?" said the Governor.

"I can explain," said Norrington automatically.

Jack had began a friendly conversation with Mulroy and Murtogg (at least while Murtogg was conscious.)

"And then, they closed the door, and all fifty-eight whores began spraying me with whipped cream," said Jack, turning around as Elizabeth fell into the water.

"Is that one of them?" said Mulroy excitedly as Murtogg fainted out of shock.

"No," said Jack, taking off his effects (whatever that's supposed to mean). He dove into the water and eventually pulled out Elizabeth. While he was pulling her up, the water rippled with great force.

"Don't look at me," muttered Mulroy, blushing furiously as Murtogg fainted from the stench.

Jack laid Elizabeth down and prepared to remove her corset.

"No pedophiles shall touch my daughter!" roared Governor Swann, jumping off the mast and landing in front of Jack. "What she clearly needs is a tighter corset to force the water out of her lungs!" Jack casually removed Elizabeth's corset, and she woke up.

"Why, you… pirate! You stole my opportunity!" fumed Norrington, parachuting onto the scene. "Get up!"

"These are his effects, sir," said Mulroy. Murtogg attempted to help, but tripped and… wait for it… knocked himself unconscious.

"What a pirate," said Norrington, sneering so obnoxiously that his lip was almost touching his nose. "No additional shots nor powder for the gun, a compass that doesn't point north-"

"Actually, that's not a compass, that's a keychain compass," said Jack helpfully.

"Half empty, half full," snarled Norrington. "And is your sword made of wood?"

"No," said Jack sullenly.

"You are without doubt the worst pirate I've ever had a crush on."

"But you have had a crush on… wait a minute…" muttered Jack. Elizabeth opened her mouth in outrage, and Norrington immediately began screaming into Murtogg's ear, knocking him out again.

Jack, while everyone was sorting out their relationship issues, decided to sneak off to the pub. Of course, due to an incredibly poor education, he mistook the blacksmith's shop for a pub and snuck inside. He found Mr. Brown snoozing in front of a TV, which was playing Home Makeover.

"What a lame show," said Jack disgustedly, changing it to Arrested Development. "What a fine show this is!"

Will charged in, yelling about watching Desperate Housewives. Of course, he immediately noticed Jack, who turned off the TV faster than you can say "But TV wasn't invented then."

"I'm gonna duel you, ya dang pirate!" roared Will, who was actually wallowing in his own ghetto-ness.

"I say, my good chap, have we met before?" asked Jack, pulling out his sword.

"Yo, we here on the street don't battle with swords, we battle with language." Will began rapping horribly while Jack looked vaguely amused.

"You're trying to prove something, aren't you?" said Jack. "You're a eunuch, right? You are! I knew it! I had this theory for years!"

"What theory? You haven't known me for that long, dawg." Will stopped rapping to actually try to have a normal conversation.

"Well, my theory was that all Turner men are eunuchs, and I knew your father," said Jack.

"Wait, that part of the plot doesn't come until later! And how could I have a eunuch for a father?" roared Will, accidentally tripping over his bling.

"Well…" said Jack, and was immediately bashed over the head by a TV remote.

"Last time you deny me Home Makeover!" scowled Mr. Brown as Norrington carried Jack away in a rather intimate way.

"That's it!" stormed Will. "My master is always stealing my glory! It ain't right, homey, and I gonna do something about it!" Will began spinning on his head and was immediately trampled by the donkey.

The sun set at Elizabeth's house as her maid put a frying pan in the sheets in an attempt to cook Elizabeth's toes. After all, there's nothing a maid likes better than the flesh of a governor's daughter.

"Remember, eat lots of French fries!" the maid cackled as Elizabeth cringed in fear. "And lard! Mmm… got to fatten you up, my pretty!" The maid was given the death penalty for having no further use in the story.

Up on the fort, Governor Swann and Norrington were having a chat. Governor Swann had a large overhead projector, playing a slideshow on a blank wall. An incredibly complex diagram appeared while Norrington looked on eagerly.

"So, we shall enter the deli through the ceiling directly over the fish counter," said Swann. "We will then use the swordfish to threaten customers and get hostages. Then we can eat sliced turkey and kosher dill pickles until we get bloated!" Governor Swann cackled in maniacal glee as Norrington rubbed his hands together.

Just then, a cannonball knocked over the slide projector.

"Cannon fire!" bellowed Norrington, knocking Governor Swann over as a cannon didn't fire at them.

"Get your hands off my bum, Norrington!" roared the governor as a cannon fired at them. Murtogg, of course, fainted from surprise.

Jack sat in his jail cell, picking at his fingernails. "I know the sound of those guns! It's the Black Pearl!" he exclaimed.

"How can you tell a ship by the sound of its guns?" asked a prisoner.

"It's rather easy," said Jack as pirates walked on and began firing at the prisoners. "See, that's the sweet call of a Kalashnikov AK-47, and just there is the gentle melody of a Dragunov sniper rifle." The prisoners fell dead. "Ah, it's so blissful." Jack immediately saw the pirates coming toward him.

"This ain't the lip gloss store!" screamed one pirate.

"But here's Captain Jack Sparrow," said the other pirate.

"Hi," said Jack.

"What did you call me?" roared the pirate, grabbing Jack by the throat and revealing his skeletal arm.

"That's interesting," said Jack as they left.

Will had gotten out of his shop and was breakdance fighting with another pirate. Of course, he got knocked out.

Elizabeth, in her mansion, was extinguishing her toes in a bottle of Diet Coke when the doorbell rang. The butler answered it and was shot. Elizabeth began kung-fu fighting the pirates until she was caught.

"Parsley!" she gasped. "I mean parley!"

"What?"

"Parley! You have to take me to your captain! I mean it!" Elizabeth stomped her feet childishly and pouted.

"Fine," said Pintel the pirate. Holding Elizabeth's hand, they walked her to the pirate ship. It was rather frightening for the three of them. Pintel and Ragetti waved their fingers and shrieked in glee, while Elizabeth guffawed merrily at… nothing much.

"What do you want, Missy?" asked Barbossa, picking his teeth with a meat cleaver.

"Stop bullying Port Royal!" she huffed.

"There's a lot of big words in there, miss," whined Barbossa.

"Wah?" she attempted hopefully.

"That's more like it!" roared Barbossa, biting his monkey in glee. "Too bad! You're staying!"

"I'll drop it!" she threatened, taking off the medallion.

"Wah," muttered Barbossa. He immediately allowed his eyes to well up with tears.

"Aw… fine, I won't drop it," she said.

"Good! Now we leave!" said Barbossa.

"Wait! I want to go home!" she protested.

"But… you don't like us?" sobbed Pintel as Ragetti used the monkey to blow his nose.

"No! I hate all of you!"

The pirates immediately broke into sobs.

"I can't stand it!" screamed Elizabeth, locking herself in a closet.

Will woke up in the street with a chicken pecking the flesh under his eyes.

"Curse you, domesticated barnyard spawn of Satan!" he gibbered inarticulately, jumping up and spinning on his head to brush off the feathers. He found Norrington reading a map.

"They've taken Elizabeth," said Will urgently. Murtogg fainted from a heart attack.

"Security!" bellowed Norrington as Murtogg woke up again.

"And where do you propose we start? If you know anything, tell us," said Governor Swann, flying in to save the day.

"Jack Sparrow, he talked about the Black Pearl," said Murtogg, shortly before fainting of unconsciousness.

"Make a deal with him!" said Will, performing the Harlem shuffle for no reason.

"Mr. Turner, I will not tolerate this advancing of the plot and that is final!" shrieked Norrington.

So, Will went down to the jail cell to free Jack.

"Where does the Black Pearl make berth?" roared Will as background singers swayed behind him.

"It makes berth at the dreaded Isla de Muerta," said Jack spookily, thrusting his hips for some unknown reason at one of the background singers. "Why ask me?"

"You're a pirate, and you would know," said Will, pulling out a large weapon and gunning down the background singers.

"Sigh… there goes the smooth rat-a-tat-tat of a BG-15 grenade launcher," mused Jack dreamily.

"What the… get a grip! They captured Miss Swann!"

"Why bother if you're a eunuch?" asked Jack.

This drove Will well over the edge. He ripped off his ghetto stuff and threw it out the window and began clubbing a wall in pure wrath.

"I- am- no- eunuch!" screeched Will.

"Fine," said Jack snootily. "Tell you what, if you can get me out of this cell, I can help you get to the Black Pearl and your bonny lass. Do we have an accord, laddie?" Jack began to grow an alarming resemblance to Sean Connery as he developed a strong Scottish accent.

"Agreed," said Will in fright as Jack escaped the cell.

Some time later, Jack and Will took a private helicopter onto the Interceptor and sailed off in it.

"What about my witty plot?" pouted Jack. "What about the commander/steal analogy? What about going underwater in a canoe?"

"Shut up, now I get to talk about my childhood," said Will, sitting down in a psychiatrist's chair with relish.

"Oh dear," said Jack, keeping his eyes ahead.

"When I was a lad, living in England, my mother raised me by herself. Every night, there was a fat man in my bedroom. He slept on the floor. If I ever called my mother, he disappeared. Then, when Mama left, he came back. Then, in the morning, every night, I woke up with my pajamas gone, and the fat man would be gone too! Really weird…" Will frowned, ignoring Jack's expression. "You knew my father, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I knew him. Probably one of the few who knew him as William Turner. Everyone else called him Bootstrap Bill, or Boot Daddy."

"Bootstrap Bill? _Boot Daddy?_" asked Will in shock.

"Good man. Good pimp. I swear you look just like him."

"It's not true. He was a nightclub owner. A good, respectable man who obeyed the law," cried Will.

"He was a bloody pimp, a funk daddy," said Jack.

"My daddy was not a pimp!" roared Will.

"Haven't you ever wondered how you got that ghetto of yours? Your father passed it onto you," said Jack.

"Wait- first it was pedophiles, next it was pirates, now pimps?" Will scratched his head.

"Nice alliteration, mate," grinned Jack.

They landed at Tortuga later, after many shots of bourbon and viewings of the film Blazing Saddles. Jack recognized several women on the island.

"Scarlet!" he roared, jumping at the girl as she slapped him down in midair. "Not sure I deserved that. Giselle!" he said, seeing another girl.

"You haven't paid me five times in a row!" she shrieked as she slapped him. "I didn't deserve that one either," he said half-heartedly as Will sniggered.

They found Gibbs some time later, sleeping on top of a pig. Will opened his mouth in disgust.

"Get your head out of the gutter, mate," said Jack as he doused Gibbs in a bucket of water.

"Bloody pirates!" roared Gibbs, thrashing around in his sleep. "I hate pirates! They're disgusting!" He woke up to see Jack and Will. "Um, by disgusting I mean 'honorable and cool,' har de har har har…" He trailed off hopefully.

"Get up! I want to buy you a drink!" screamed Jack, kicking away the pig.

"But…" Gibbs' lower lip wobbled ominously. "My pig will get lonely! I'm just a poor, fat man who needs a pig for companionship!"

"Oh, did I ever tell you about the fat man in my bedroom?" began Will before Jack kicked him.

"Come on, Gibbs, we're taking you," said Jack, dragging Gibbs by the collar.

"Bloody pirates!" screamed Gibbs.

"So," said Jack to Gibbs, who was tied up, "I'm going after the Black Pearl." Gibbs choked on his dog biscuit as Will stood guard against small chipmunks and drafts of wind.

"Jack, it's a fool's errand! You know the tales of the Pearl!" protested Gibbs, spitting out the dog biscuit in terror.

"But I have the ultimate power to assist me… an urge… an unstoppable urge," purred Jack as a group of women appeared around him.

"He's got the urge to herbal!" they sang, prancing around him before disappearing.

"Sheer brilliance!" bellowed Gibbs. "I never saw it coming! Genius! You're invaluable, Jack! I'll find us a crew that shares your urge!"

"Remember," said Jack, "take what you can…"

"Give nothing back!" They clinked their glasses together and drank.

Aboard the Black Pearl, Elizabeth was having a temper tantrum.

"There's nothing to wear!" she wailed, flouncing around in a rage. "The only way I could ever be properly clothed is if two perverted pirates came up to me and gave me a purple dress to wear to my meal with the captain!"

Of course, you can guess what happened then.

Elizabeth stubbed her toe.

Then, two perverted pirates came up to her and gave her a purple dress to wear to her meal with the captain.

During dinner, Elizabeth ate daintily. Barbossa tried to ignore it, but broke down when she insisted on chewing her wine twenty times before swallowing.

"God, girl, stop being such a girly girl, you girly girl! I'm just about sick of your girly girl girlishness, so stop being a girl and get with it, girl! Honestly, girly girl, I'm tired of it, girly!" Barbossa glared ferociously, but the effect only confirmed that he seriously needed some Listerine.

"Are you sexist?" asked Elizabeth curiously, eating her rice one grain at a time.

"You don't know what this is, do you?" asked Barbossa randomly, pulling out something.

"No, what?" asked Elizabeth.

"It's an annoying five-minute speech," hissed Barbossa menacingly, pulling out the pirate medallion. "Now this medallion is Aztec gold… one of 882 identical pieces they delivered in a cardboard box to Cortez himself. Money paid to pay off a colossal amount of gambling debts. But Cortez was greedy, and so the gods placed a terrible curse on the gold. Any mortal that removes a single piece from that cardboard box shall be punished for eternity.

"I don't believe in ghost stories, Captain Barbossa," sneered Elizabeth coldly.

"That's exactly what I thought," said Barbossa. "After all, nobody would guess that the mild-mannered ice cream man could have been responsible for the murder of the von Gundershtanke family…"

"What are you talking about?" screeched Elizabeth.

"Wait… oh yeah. We found the treasure in the cardboard box, and we took it all. We spent them and traded them and frittered them away on food and drink and whores. The more we gave them away, the more we realized that the drink would not give a hangover, food would not stuff, and whores would not be pleasurable any longer… we are cursed, Miss Turner." As he looked at his monkey for some unknown reason, Elizabeth hid a butter knife in her dress. "There is but one way we can end the curse. We must restore all the Aztec gold. Thanks to you, we have the final piece."

"And the… blood to be repaid?"

"That's why there's no sense to be killing you… yet. Graham cracker?" he offered, giving her a cracker.

Elizabeth flung the butter knife at him. It turned over and over in slow motion before it inexplicably buried itself five inches in his chest.

Barbossa pulled it out and gave the medallion to his monkey. "Um… witty comment!" Elizabeth ran outside to see…

Skeletons. All of the pirates were skeletons. And not real skeletons, not ones with little pieces of skin hanging onto them, not even mildly creepy clean bones. No, these skeletons were glow-in-the-dark, three feet tall, and completely unmenacing. The monkey just looked like a light bulb on legs. Elizabeth bit back a chuckle and turned to Barbossa.

"Look! The moonlight shows us for what we really are… we aren't among the living, and so we cannot die, but neither are we dead. For too long I've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing." Barbossa stepped into the moonlight, revealing his rather underwhelming glowing green bones. "You best start believing in ghost stories with cheesy one-liners, Miss Turner. You're in one!" Barbossa drank from a cup, which splashed pitifully over his rib cage. Elizabeth fled into the room before she could burst out laughing. "Get back to work!" he roared.

Jack and Will were window-shopping for a crew.

"Bloody pirates!" roared Gibbs, who seemed to have forgotten that he was a pirate himself.

"You, sailor!" said Jack.

"His name's Cotton, sir," said Gibbs. "Wool Cotton."

"Mr. Cotton," said Jack, "do you wear leopard-print stockings and dance to _Skater Boy_ when you think no one's watching?" Mr. Cotton did not reply. "Answer me!"

"He's a mute, sir," said Gibbs. "Poor devil had his tongue cut out, so he trained the midget to talk for him. No one figured out how."

"Mr. Cotton's… midget. Same question."

"Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, kid!"

"We figured that means yes," said Gibbs nervously. "He speaks in old Star Wars quotes for some reason."

"Of course," gulped Jack fearfully, walking away from the midget. He came across a cross-dressing woman. Will looked around for Jerry Springer.

"I borrowed it," said Jack automatically, bending backward Matrix-style to avoid several slaps. "And you can have a better ship!"

"That one!" said Will, pointing at the Interceptor.

"Um… aye, that one," said Jack, shooting a murderous glance at Will. "Let's go!"

"But I wanted to go down to Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!" whined the midget as they left.

Jack glared at Gibbs, waiting for him to say his sexist line. Of course, Gibbs was too busy yelling about bloody pirates to allow such a thing, so Jack let it go.

They reached the Isla de Muerta some time later, a few minutes after Barbossa and the pirates did. Gibbs decided that the movie was overdue for a character background conversation, so he started one with Gibbs.

"Tell me about Jack," said Will. "Was he Captain of the Black Pearl? Was there a mutiny? Was Barbossa the first mate? Was he marooned and went mad? Did he rope himself a couple of sea turtles and use human hair as rope?"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and possibly," said Gibbs. "That wraps things up pretty nicely- bloody pirates!" he screamed to the heavens.

"Let's go ashore," suggested Jack quickly as the midget began screaming about Jabba the Hutt.

"Are we there yet?" whined Will.

"Yes," said Jack. Will cursed, furious at the denied opportunity to be annoying. They cleverly hid themselves behind a gold coin and listened to Barbossa's pep rally.

"We've been tormented and punished and forced to suffer, but our salvation is nigh!" roared Barbossa at the chanting crowd. He held Elizabeth over the cardboard box.

"Wait!" said Jack as Will tried to run for Elizabeth. "Wait until the… opportune moment. Just stay here for a minute-" He turned around to see Will with a murderous look in his eye.

Will lopped off Jack's head with the chainsaw and then ran through the pirates to give Barbossa a hearty smooch on the lips. He then shot Elizabeth and ran off into the sunset while the pirates argued about who got to be best man.

Just kidding.

What happened was, Will hit Jack in the head with a mysterious oar that he had gotten from nowhere. Barbossa cut Elizabeth's hand and dropped the medallion.

"Did it work?" asked Pintel.

Barbossa threw the chainsaw at him in fury. It stuck in his arm.

"Hey!" said Pintel unenthusiastically.

"It didn't work! The curse is still upon us!" wailed Ragetti.

"Was your father Will Turner?" screamed Barbossa, his eyes bulging.

"No," said Elizabeth.

"Do you prefer mint jelly, raspberry jam or grape marmalade?" shrieked Barbossa, quivering in insanity and going through spasms of fury.

"Um… I'm not a fruit preserve kind of person, I have butter on my toast," said Elizabeth nervously, staring at the deranged Barbossa.

Barbossa stopped convulsing and slapped Elizabeth down. "We must find the real Turner!"

"But what about Joe Cancun?" asked a pirate.

"We must also find the real Cancun!" roared Barbossa.

As many people rolled their eyes at that joke, Will took the opportunity to rescue Elizabeth and the medallion. They made it back to the pirate ship, where, to make a long story short, Gibbs figured out that Jack was left behind and the midget barked out more Star Wars lines.

Jack wasn't as lucky. Ragetti found Jack and soon every pirate pointed a pistol at him.

"Um… parfait?" asked Jack.

"What?"

"Parsnip? Parsley, partner, par…"

"Parley?" suggested Pintel hopefully.

"That's the one! Parley!" roared Jack as he was taken away. Barbossa leered at him.

"So, Jack, how did you get off that island?" said Jack.

"Well," said Jack, "you see, I found about fifty-twelve gallons of rum in a secret compartment on the island. I drank and drank and drank, until I got so drunk that it was almost irreversible. But when I finally woke up, I realized that in my drunkenness, I had just imagined I was on the island, and was really on a ship sinking its way into Port Royal? Funny how that works out, isn't it?"

"But wait," objected Barbossa. "If you got drunk on the island, how could you have been back on the sinking ship?"

"I hadn't thought of that," admitted Jack.

"Enough!" commanded Barbossa. "Gentlemen, kill him!" Many pistols were aimed at Captain Jack Sparrow.

"I know whose blood you need!" roared Jack.

On that cliffhanger, the scene changed to the Interceptor. Elizabeth and Will tried to have a romantic conversation while the midget bounced on the bed, yelling about the power of the dark side of the Force.

"Why'd you take the medallion from me?" asked Will, his eyes brimming with tears. "It was the only thing I knew my father by… why?" He howled in anguish as Elizabeth squirmed in delight at being so close to such an angsty guy.

"Hey Will," she said seductively, "do you wanna…" She pointed at the bed and wiggled her shoulders.

"What, bounce on the bed with the midget?" asked Will ignorantly.

"You're so hopeless!" she wailed, flouncing out and leaving the medallion with Will. She went to the deck to see Gibbs yelling "Bloody pirates!" Anamaria approached.

"They're catching up!" yelled the woman.

"Can we lose them among the shoals?" asked Elizabeth.

"Bloody pirates!" roared Gibbs. "The lass is right! Haul to main anchor, and port the starboard bow across the helm!" Gibbs rattled off various nautical nonsense as he pranced around the ship.

"Dump anything we don't need overboard!" yelled Gibbs. "Dump the silverware, because we can just eat off the floor like dogs! Dump the barrels of medical supplies! Dump the black lingerie!"

"Never!" screeched Anamaria and Elizabeth at the same time. Mr. Cotton suddenly looked rather happy about something, while the midget danced merrily.

Suddenly, the Black Pearl lifted into the sky, floated about two hundred yards forward, and fell back into the sea.

"No!" shrieked Gibbs, his face turning purple in horror.

"Load the cannons!" shrieked Elizabeth. "With nails! Crushed glass! Paul McCartney albums! The Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs!"

"Anything but those!" gasped Mr. Cotton in horror.

"We must! We must even fire… the black lingerie!" said Gibbs spookily (and regretfully).

"Why?" moaned Anamaria, clawing at the mast.

"And drop the anchor!" commanded Elizabeth, causing Will to swoon.

The ships began to fire at each other. One pirate began passing out machine guns (on the Black Pearl).

"Bloody pirates!" shrieked Gibbs. "Open fire!"

Will went down below to search for the medallion, for no reason of course.

"Cockroaches!" roared Barbossa, for no reason as well. "I hate cockroaches! They're so cockroach-like and squishy! I hate how they crunch under your feet as you…"

"Um, shouldn't you be giving us orders, sir?" asked the pirates, who were standing uselessly to the side.

"Oh, of course. Board them!" shrieked Barbossa, who then continued his cockroach rant. The pirates boarded the Interceptor. "And the rest of you," snarled Barbossa, clearly enjoying his opportunity to overact the situation to death, "bring me the medallion!" Will suddenly realized the cabin was overflowing with water. "Help!" he burbled as the water rose. Elizabeth sat down and began picking at her cuticles. Will gave up and decided to write his memoirs. "And then," he wrote eloquently, his pen hand trembling, "the fat man disappeared for good!"

Barbossa's monkey, which was inexplicably named after Barbossa's worst enemy, grabbed the medallion and ran. Jack followed it… right to Barbossa. The other pirates were captured too. Only Will remained. Tense music played… as the Interceptor exploded.

"Will!" screamed Elizabeth as Will appeared behind her.

"No need to shout," screamed Will as loudly as possible. Barbossa turned in shock.

"She goes free, or I shoot the clasp of her bra!" roared Will, apparently not realizing that this would kill her.

"So…?" asked Barbossa.

"Then, this movie would be rated R!" barked Will. "And, without the Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp fangirl audience, this movie would make less money than a sequel to Christmas with the Kranks!" There was a collective gasp of horror.

"Name your terms, Mr. Turner," said Barbossa.

"Elizabeth goes free, and the crew are not harmed," said Will, ignoring Jack's pleas of "What about me?" and "Bloody pirate eunuch!"

"Fine," hissed Barbossa. "Can I have my dress back now?" he asked Elizabeth.

"What?"

"I mean," sweated Barbossa, "my dear great-aunt's dress, har de har har har…"

Elizabeth took off the dress and jumped into the water. Jack, insanely jealous, performed a swan-dive off the plank.

"You utter fool!" screamed the entire crew of the Interceptor at the same time (how freaky).

Jack and Elizabeth were already having a grand time on the island.

"I can't believe you!" howled Elizabeth for the fifty-eighth time as Jack pulled out dusty bottles of rum. "You, Jack Sparrow, the man who vanished from under the eyes of seven sweet potatoes, who ate two hundred French fries without firing his gun, lay on this beach and drank rum?"

"Welcome to the Caribbean, love," grunted Jack.

Later in the night, of course, they built a fire and got insanely drunk. Of course, in the morning Elizabeth made a signal fire out of rum, which sent Jack into a homicidal frenzy that forced him to kill six palm trees. And of course, Norrington came to save the day, along with Governor Swann.

"Well, Jack Sparrow," sneered Norrington, cackling insanely and sporting a German/Russian Bond-villain-type accent, "it seems you've met your match!"

"Commodore!" screamed Elizabeth. "Please oh please oh please go after the Black Pearl as a wedding gift please?"

Norrington looked briefly surprised before becoming the essence of cool. "Gee golly, that's splendid. Sure thing, you betcha, ma'am." Norrington tripped down the stairs (that had been built five seconds ago for exactly this purpose) and cursed loudly. "Curses!"

"Actually, you only cursed once, mate, so curses is an incorrect plural noun. Just thought you'd like to know, mate," shrugged Jack, who was immediately locked up.

Speaking of being locked up, the crew of the Interceptor was standing in their jail cell in the Black Pearl. Will, because of his pretty little moustache, was locked in his own cell with a hot tub and hot cocoa bar. Pintel and Ragetti were clipping his toenails, with a great deal of swearing and spilling of hot cocoa. The crew of the Interceptor scowled angrily as the midget began talking about his lightsaber.

"Did you know my daddy?" asked Will randomly, combing his hair and checking his teeth in a mirror.

"Yeah," said Pintel, accidentally cutting off a lock of Ragetti's hair with the toenail clippers and swearing violently. "We knew him. Boot Daddy, or Bootstrap as we called him, was a fine, upstanding gentleman. And for being such an anti-pirate, we dumped him over the edge of the ship. The end." Pintel attempted to apologize to Ragetti and in turn got kicked in the face.

"Bring the boy up!" snarled Barbossa.

Norrington and Jack sailed closer to the Isla de Muerta.

"I don't care for the situation at all," said Norrington as a gust of wind caused Murtogg to faint. "Any attempt to storm the caves could turn to an ambush!"

"How about," suggested Jack, randomly performing a karate kick at Murtogg, causing the man to faint again, "I talk to Barbossa and have his crew come out. You can go back to the Dauntless and shoot the stuffing out of them? What do you say?"

"Pickles," said Norrington.

"Eh?"

"You asked me what I say. I say pickles."

Jack had no response to that. Of course, he didn't need to have a response, since he was already pushing his way into the cave.

"By blood undone…" said Barbossa.

"Jack!" said Will.

"Will," beamed Jack.

"Jack?" wondered Barbossa.

"Barbossa," scowled Jack.

"Will?" asked Barbossa.

"Barbossa?" wondered Will.

"Huh?" they all said at the same time. A silence followed.

"That must be a defective island," said Barbossa at length.

"Hey, mate," said Jack winningly, "it turns out the Dauntless is waiting for you outside. So what I propose is, you take the Dauntless and give me the Pearl, I give you ten percent of me plunder and in exchange, you wait to lift the curse until… the opportune moment." Jack pocketed one medallion.

"And a hat," said Barbossa.

"We have an accord," laughed Barbossa. "Gents, take a walk!"

Norrington looked out over the water. Two old ladies sailed by in a boat.

"Hold your fire," he snarled.

"Sir," hissed Gillette (it's what a man should get) menacingly, "don't you find it the least bit odd that two ladies are paddling a boat right outside of a very cursed isle?"

"…Not particularly."

Gillette hit himself in the head so hard that Murtogg fainted.

Elizabeth had had enough of… well, she had had enough. Using her amazing web-slinging skills, she swung away to the Black Pearl.

"Darn," said her father unenthusiastically.

"This is like what the Greeks did at Troy," said Pintel. "Except they had a horse, and we have dresses. And they were on land, and for them it was a city not a ship, and…"

"You don't look enough like a lady," hissed Ragetti at Pintel.

"Not enough like a lady? How's this for you?" Pintel removed his dress and umbrella and began thrusting his pelvis. Of course, this revealed the pirates as skeletons. But by then, the other pirates had boarded the Interceptor and a bloody fight began.

"Will someone get us out of here?" hissed Anamaria in the jail cell.

"No disintegrations!" roared the midget.

"Bloody pirates!" screamed Gibbs.

"Look!" said Mr. Cotton, despite the fact that he was a mute. "It's Elizabeth!" Indeed, the girl was rushing down to free them.

Norrington paddled furiously for the Dauntless, hoping to save the Governor (would help his relationship with the in-laws be less troublesome by far). And, after that short sentence, the scene switched to the Isla de Muerta.

"Grape marmalade!" roared Jack, swinging with his sword.

"Strawberry jam!" snarled Barbossa, stabbing Jack. Of course, since Jack was a glow-in-the-dark skeleton, nothing happened. Will sat and moped for a good three seconds, then began fighting. Barbossa and Jack continued their duel, just so there could be even more action.

Elizabeth, using her Matrix kung fu skills, killed both guards and was about to board a lifeboat. Not that anyone else was with her, of course.

"Come on! I need your help!" she whined.

"That's no moon, that's a battle station!" giggled the midget.

"The midget's right, we've got the Pearl, and we're such die-hard Code followers that we don't care about Jack," said Gibbs.

"I thought being a pirate was all about breaking the rules!" said Elizabeth. "They're more like guidelines anyway!"

"Bloody pirates!" screamed Gibbs as Elizabeth rowed to the Isla de Muerta.

Ragetti on the Dauntless noticed something. "Wait a minute… the Black Pearl's leaving! They're stealing our ship!" Of course, his completely unmentioned wooden eye fell out, and he went on a hunt for it.

Back in the Isla de Muerta, Elizabeth scored a point for feminists everywhere by saving Will the pretty-boy. Will took the chance to save the day by flipping toward the cardboard box. Jack threw the medallion in slow motion at Will, as it somehow dodged ten tons of falling anvils, a stampede of elephants, and a small child with a butterfly net. Will somehow cut his hand on the edge of the medallion and dropped it in.

Jack and Barbossa leaped at each other, firing bullets in a shameless parody of a similar scene in the Matrix. Of course, Barbossa was firing all the bullets, but somehow nobody noticed that. Both landed on the ground.

"You're empty," hissed Jack.

"So are you," snarled Barbossa.

"No, I'm not," said Jack as he shot Barbossa. The pirate fell to the ground, an apple falling out of his sleeve. Will and Elizabeth stared.

"Oh yes," said Jack, "for years a secret society of Korean priests perfected the Apple-in-Sleeve philosophy of combat."

The curse was lifted, and the pirates captured. Will laid all the wrong moves on Elizabeth, and the Governor acted cool for once. It seemed like a happy ending… except for Jack's hanging.

"Jack Sparrow," read the official, "you are to be hanged by the neck until dead for many crimes, to be listed now: piracy, smuggling, impersonating a goat, impersonating a linebacker on the Cincinnati Bengals, impersonating a stop sign, existing with the intent to kill, poaching, depravity, general lawlessness, poaching, kidnapping, and getting stoned beyond belief. May God have mercy on your soul." The Official, quite out of breath, stepped off stage.

Will approached Elizabeth, who was watching it all. "Yo, baby girl, I decided to get my bling back. And getting my bling back helped me realize this, honey- I love you like a trashcan loves dirt. I love you like a fat boy loves cake, I'm on you like a homeless man on crack." Will walked off while Elizabeth fainted. The sight of someone fainting caused Murtogg to faint as well.

"No!" cried Will as Jack fell through. Will threw an extremely conspicuous yet completely unnoticeable broadsword at Jack. Apparently being hanged wasn't good enough. However, the sword cut the rope, and Jack fell to the ground. Will and Jack both fought their way through the guards, performing Mortal Kombat-like moves (enough of the Matrix moves from now on) until they were stopped by Commodore Norrington himself.

"Well, well, well," hissed Norrington. "I guess I'll get to hang two people today instead of one."

"No you won't," said Elizabeth. "You and I are getting a divorce!"

"Before you get married… oh, that's harsh," winced Gillette.

Norrington glared daggers. Jack saw the midget, flying through the air. And it all clicked in Jack's head.

"People are able to fly!" he shouted, getting a running start and soaring onto the Black Pearl.

There was a long silence, during which Norrington left to go pummel Gillette and whine about something or other.

"So," said the Governor disapprovingly, "this is the path you've chosen? After all, he is a blacksmith."

"No," said Elizabeth fondly. "He's a homeboy." They kissed romantically as the scene switched to the Black Pearl.

And it was all a happy ending. Will got the girl, and Jack got the girl and the ship. Governor Swann became a father-in-law, Norrington got a chance to spank Gillette, and Gibbs got over his fear of pirates. All in all everything ended happily.

Except for the midget, who got a concussion when he flew into a lamppost, but everyone was getting tired of him anyway.

THE END

Wow… that's the longest document I've ever posted here! Tell me what you think! Please!


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